Comments on: Getting Us Here http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/ A loud, sometimes belligerent, badger's thoughts on feminism, politics, art, and everyday life Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:39:11 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2 By: scrappybadger http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-440 scrappybadger Wed, 24 Sep 2008 00:41:58 +0000 http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-440 I definitely think you're right about it being a little of both. And of course we'll never actually know anyway since homophobia has forever changed the landscape of same-sex relationships. It's like a conversation I had in one of my classes today. Several students were giving me the "It ain't like it used to be. We aren't racist anymore, so why dwell on the past" speech. Seriously, though, how can 150 years, a relatively short time, erase from everyone's minds (and all of our institutions) something like slavery? It reminds me of the half-life of plutonium or something. It just hangs around forever and ever. It decays, which seems like a good thing because it is going away, but it creates all sorts of other bad stuff in the process. And thanks for the compliment. I wish I blogged more, too. And by that I mean that I wish I had more time to write AND read. There are so many really great women blogging out there, but I can't keep up with all of it on top of work. It really sucks. I do enjoy these abbreviated exchanges, though. :) I definitely think you’re right about it being a little of both. And of course we’ll never actually know anyway since homophobia has forever changed the landscape of same-sex relationships. It’s like a conversation I had in one of my classes today. Several students were giving me the “It ain’t like it used to be. We aren’t racist anymore, so why dwell on the past” speech. Seriously, though, how can 150 years, a relatively short time, erase from everyone’s minds (and all of our institutions) something like slavery? It reminds me of the half-life of plutonium or something. It just hangs around forever and ever. It decays, which seems like a good thing because it is going away, but it creates all sorts of other bad stuff in the process.

And thanks for the compliment. I wish I blogged more, too. And by that I mean that I wish I had more time to write AND read. There are so many really great women blogging out there, but I can’t keep up with all of it on top of work. It really sucks. I do enjoy these abbreviated exchanges, though. :)

]]> By: Amy's Brain Today http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-373 Amy's Brain Today Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:09:28 +0000 http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-373 Somewhere I read recently something like, "The opposite of a great truth is also true." You've probably heard that before. So, it's probably some of both -- lack of legal/structural forms might let us walk more easily, but internalized lesbian-hating might make us walk sooner than we might have if we were able to work through problems with community support. Because for sure there are lots more brief and cufked up lesbian relationships out there, than there are long-lived ones (cufked up or no). I have personally felt, at different times, both an unjustified irrational panic about long-term intimacy, and the bullshit "pride" and sense of achievement that my lesbian loves have lasted longer than some (many?). So maybe, as per Kya's favorite and most aggravating (to me) saying, "It's a mix." I wish you blogged more. You are very thoughtful and the blogosphere needs more of that. Somewhere I read recently something like, “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” You’ve probably heard that before. So, it’s probably some of both — lack of legal/structural forms might let us walk more easily, but internalized lesbian-hating might make us walk sooner than we might have if we were able to work through problems with community support. Because for sure there are lots more brief and cufked up lesbian relationships out there, than there are long-lived ones (cufked up or no). I have personally felt, at different times, both an unjustified irrational panic about long-term intimacy, and the bullshit “pride” and sense of achievement that my lesbian loves have lasted longer than some (many?). So maybe, as per Kya’s favorite and most aggravating (to me) saying, “It’s a mix.”

I wish you blogged more. You are very thoughtful and the blogosphere needs more of that.

]]> By: scrappybadger http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-372 scrappybadger Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:16:01 +0000 http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-372 <p>Ah, you caught me, Amy. Actually, I feel pretty ambivalent about long lasting monogamous relationships. On a gut level they feel unnatural and when examined logically, looking at the numbers of people who actually manage to stay together for very long periods of time and remain happy, they feel downright impossible. Those things make me agree with your theory about hets staying together because of legal and social pressures. That would make it seem, then, that lesbians and gay men, like you say, merely move on easier than straight people. I can't help but think though that dealing with homophobia day in and day out messes with a person, adding to the stress of everyday life in ways that negatively impact close relationships -- be they romantic/sexual ones or otherwise. It's like friendships between women. I think that they are hard to maintain in a world that still tells women that they shouldn't trust one another. </p> <p> </p> <p>When it comes right down to it, though, I'm not sure if this is just me wanting to cling to some romantic ideal of relationships. That in itself is problematic I know since it was probably an invention of heteropatriarchy designed both to create babies and regulate that creation at the same time. Regardless, there is a part of me that wants to hang on to the idea despite the fact that I often find the idea of being for one person for half a century ludicrous. </p> <p> </p> <p>I am, as always, a big ball of contradictions it seems.</p> Ah, you caught me, Amy. Actually, I feel pretty ambivalent about long lasting monogamous relationships. On a gut level they feel unnatural and when examined logically, looking at the numbers of people who actually manage to stay together for very long periods of time and remain happy, they feel downright impossible. Those things make me agree with your theory about hets staying together because of legal and social pressures. That would make it seem, then, that lesbians and gay men, like you say, merely move on easier than straight people. I can’t help but think though that dealing with homophobia day in and day out messes with a person, adding to the stress of everyday life in ways that negatively impact close relationships — be they romantic/sexual ones or otherwise. It’s like friendships between women. I think that they are hard to maintain in a world that still tells women that they shouldn’t trust one another.

 

When it comes right down to it, though, I’m not sure if this is just me wanting to cling to some romantic ideal of relationships. That in itself is problematic I know since it was probably an invention of heteropatriarchy designed both to create babies and regulate that creation at the same time. Regardless, there is a part of me that wants to hang on to the idea despite the fact that I often find the idea of being for one person for half a century ludicrous.

 

I am, as always, a big ball of contradictions it seems.

]]> By: Amy's Brain Today http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-365 Amy's Brain Today Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:50:59 +0000 http://scrappybadger.com/2008/08/30/getting-us-here/#comment-365 Hey, there, great post! Do you think that it's because of our various persecutions that L-G relationships are often shorter than het ones? I have suspected that many more hets would do more "serial monogamy" if it weren't for the obnoxious legal entanglements of marriage, kids/custody, mortgages, etc. For lesbians, until the recent imperative of GAY MARRIAGE!!!!, it's always been pretty easy to pull up stakes if things weren't working out well, and honestly I've thought of that as a strength. I don't know that I'm cut out to spend 50 years with the same person. Hey, there, great post!

Do you think that it’s because of our various persecutions that L-G relationships are often shorter than het ones? I have suspected that many more hets would do more “serial monogamy” if it weren’t for the obnoxious legal entanglements of marriage, kids/custody, mortgages, etc. For lesbians, until the recent imperative of GAY MARRIAGE!!!!, it’s always been pretty easy to pull up stakes if things weren’t working out well, and honestly I’ve thought of that as a strength. I don’t know that I’m cut out to spend 50 years with the same person.

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