Five Movies that Cable TV Won’t Stop Airing…and Why I Won’t Stop Watching.

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Movie:  Goodfellas

Culprit:  AMC

Why I Won’t Stop Watching:

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Photo courtesy of Joelipe.com

If you were to ask me how many times I’ve seen the movie Goodfellas, my answer would be three or four.  Now, if you were to ask me how many times I’ve seen parts of the movie Goodfellas, my answer would be somewhere between 40 and 50.  It doesn’t matter what I’m in the middle of watching, as soon as I scroll through the channels during the commercial break and see a coked-up Joe Pesci curb stomping a mustachioed Italian mob boss, I’m in it for the long haul.  There could be live coverage of the United States invading Canada (God knows why) and I would still switch over to AMC in time to catch the restaurant scene where Henry tells Tommy what a “funny guy” he is.  It’s simply Marty Scorsese at his absolute finest.  The fact is, I learned two of life’s most important lessons from watching Goodfellas:  don’t fall asleep in the getaway car, and never touch a ‘made man.’

Movie:  Gladiator

Culprit:  TNT

Why I Won’t Stop Watching:

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Photo courtesy of movieposter.com

This movie has swords, chariots, tigers, and a crazy, bearded Australian man on a war path to avenge the death of his wife and child.  Are you fucking kidding me?  What else do I need??  Of course I’m going to watch this!  In 2000, the Academy finally got one right when they named this film best picture, despite the fact that most of America actually heard of it.  Both Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix put forth an incredible effort, although I get the impression that “getting into character” for this movie was not much of a stretch for either of them.  I mean, Crowe plays the part of a vengeful asshole, and Phoenix the part of fame-crazed pretty boy.  That sums it up for me.  In all seriousness though, this is the part of Ancient Rome that I want to see.  I’m really not interested in a bunch of gluttonous, overweight men in bed sheets dictating public policy while being hand fed grapes by underage slave girls.  That’s the reason no one in undergrad wants to take Western Civ.  Feudalism?  Isn’t that the game show hosted by Steve Harvey??  No thanks.  Show me the Ancient Rome where the Coliseum is still in one solid piece and the locals treat it like Lambeau Field on a Sunday afternoon.  And while you’re at it, make sure that almost everyone dies at the end.  Spoiler alert!

Movie:  Man on Fire

Culprit:  FX

Why I Won’t Stop Watching:

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Photo courtesy of dvdsreleasedates.com

Denzel Washington does not make bad movies.  That’s less of a statement and more of scientific fact.  There are, however, two distinct types of Denzel Washington movies.  There’s the “I’m slowly beginning to realize exactly what kind of person I am by watching this” Denzel Washington movies, and then there’s the “I’m about to watch an emotionally unbalanced yet still incredibly well put together black man go fucking apeshit with a 9mm” Denzel Washington movies.  Personally, I can’t get enough of either, but if I had to pick a favorite, I’d choose the latter.  Add Christopher Walken into the mix and it’s pretty much a done deal; I have to watch Man on Fire every time I see it on cable.  It’s your average story of an adult black male befriending a young white female while living in Latin America.  Wait…what?  Anyway, the on-screen relationships in this movie transcend race, socio-economics, and the common decency of the protagonist to let the bad guys keep all their fingers before killing them.  Seriously, why do so many people in this movie lose fingers?!  I don’t know and I don’t care.  I’m just dreading the day when Denzel tells his agent that he is too old to do another action movie.  Hopefully big D stays in the game as long as Sean Connery, and kicks out a gem like The Rock at age 66.  That would be fucking sweet!

Movie:  Saving Private Ryan

Culprit:  TNT

Why I Won’t Stop Watching:

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Photo courtesy of swotti.com

I’m an American.  That should be all the explanation you need.  But just in case you are still confused, allow me to elaborate.  As an American, I abide by three basic rules that pertain to this film:

Rule #1:  Europe sucks.  Well, not really, but when a faction of them think they are better than everyone else and try to take over the world, yes, I am going to enjoy watching a few battalions worth of Yanks plough their way through Europe (metaphorically and…metaphorically) like an alcoholic at a wine tasting.

Rule #2:  Guns and explosions are cool.  Rest assured, this movie has plenty of both.  In fact, the film kicks off with the U.S. invasion of Omaha Beach on D-Day, one of the bloodiest American battles in our country’s four year involvement in WWII.  I would not be surprised if Saving Private Ryan holds some sort of cinematic record for most casualties during the opening scene of a movie.

Rule #3:  Tom Hanks can do no wrong.  The man is, by far, the greatest actor of our generation.  And as such, not only do I support his films, I also recuse him of any potential wrongdoing.  He could be caught choking out Rita Wilson in a bathtub filled with heroin and I would still vote ‘not guilty.’  The man was Forest Gump.  Free pass.

Movie:  She’s Out of My League

Culprit:  E!

Why I Won’t Stop Watching:

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Photo courtesy of invisiblegorilla.blogspot.com

I’ll admit, I really don’t have a valid excuse for liking this movie.  It’s not a good piece of cinematography by any stretch of the imagination.  The cast is a bunch of no-names, the acting is sub-par at best, and the plot is loosely held together by the romanticized indoctrination that nerdy guys can actually hook up with hot chicks.  Let me rephrase that:  nerdy guys without money can actually hook up with hot chicks.  Yet somehow, I find the spastic comedic stylings of TJ Miller and the quirky, awkward on-screen presence of Jay Baruchel to be incredible charming.  That AND the girl that is way out of their league is a smokin’ hot babe.  Oh, what up, Alice Eve?!  Aren’t you married to Vincent Chase now??  Anyway, I can definitely put up with a hackneyed screenplay for a chance to stare at her for 90 minutes.  Abso-fucking-lutely.  You win again, Hollywood!